No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
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BETRAYAL
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.