Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
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I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
When someone trying to leave me
At an art museum and I thought this was art
This is me
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?