Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
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Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Choose your fighter
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE