[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
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Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
definitely did not do anything wrong
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
This forever.
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?