Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
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to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?