Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
You Might Also Like
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
the pigeons are already plenty salty
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.