What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
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You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
“You drive, I’m tired.”
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
beware of dog
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
My birth announcement for our third baby
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.