*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
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Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
christening a ship with an overripe banana
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
Sunday
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes