*hires sky writer*
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I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
#JohnTravolta