Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
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Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid