*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
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[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
went to this place once that claims it’s a brewery that doesn’t brew any of the beer it serves and the bartender was like “yep we are the first of our kind” & i didn’t have the heart to tell him that he opened up a bar, that’s a bar, bro
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties