My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
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Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
somewhere, in an alternate universe
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no