If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
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I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
Um … Hot Wings please
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
Please do it!
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
i think my razor is having a panic attack
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?