A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
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Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
me, after any kind of buffet.
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure