My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
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I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
*swipes right on my hand mirror
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan