Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
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This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
Just say no
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe