My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
You Might Also Like
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
He just like my cat fr
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.