drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
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God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: Thatâs not funny.
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
I have never in my life learned from another personâs mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
It doesnât matter whatâs behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, youâll get there..
Unless itâs flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they donât catch up…
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
[First Date]
Her: Iâm instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now đ
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
âPick up some electrician from the market. Iâm having problems with AC again.ââmarried sext
âYEP, thatâs a poop alright!â, and other phrases youâd prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year oldâs room.
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.