“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
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Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
How do horror writers compete with current events?
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting