Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
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ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.