Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
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i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
6. me as a lawyer
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
I beg your pardon?
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*