“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
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A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
concern
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb