I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
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Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.