“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
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Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.