When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
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Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
Girl, same.
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?