Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
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Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”