i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
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I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
Many hands make light work
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.