Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
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The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
grotesque if literal: baby food
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
Not to brag but a guy I made out with in 8th grade just wished me a happy birthday on Facebook and asked me to subscribe to his YouTube channel 🤩
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
Many hands make light work
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.