My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
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I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”