Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
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me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
A dad and his duck
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
I am laughing way too hard at this.
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me