Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
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My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
greetings!
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.