Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
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I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
When I was a kid at summer camp, I told my friend Rob I had two goals: to hammer nails up my nose at the camp talent show, and to find a girlfriend.
He said, “You might only get to do the first one.”
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
Is this a threat?
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows