Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
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new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
cats when you pet them too long:
You better watch out
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…