The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
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Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
went to this place once that claims it’s a brewery that doesn’t brew any of the beer it serves and the bartender was like “yep we are the first of our kind” & i didn’t have the heart to tell him that he opened up a bar, that’s a bar, bro
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.