Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
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ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule