Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
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You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
*launders Kohls cash*