Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
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absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous