do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
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[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
Everything reminds me of my ex
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.