[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
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Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese