i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
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I’m more of a homeless romantic.
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
That’s amazing.
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you