If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
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My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?