Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
You Might Also Like
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
Ooh I do like a good funnel
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
can’t wait til they legalize outside
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.