Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
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I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
what is cheese if not milk persevering
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
Try and stop me.
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.