I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
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Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.