True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
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I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.