To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
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could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.