my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
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[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
Breaking news:
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
Oh we’ve met.
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer