If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
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I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t