You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
You Might Also Like
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me