“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
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Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
My blood type is b hungry.
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube